Today’s post is going to be something that I’ve wanted to write about for a long time, but wasn’t ready for any repercussions that might come along with writing about sex. It’s been sitting in the queue for months. Months, I tell you.
For years and years, sex has been demonized by many groups of people and there are lots of people (Pagan included) who still think that it has no place being talked about freely.
I call bullshit. There is nothing inherently wrong with sex between two consenting adults, or with masturbation. I mention the latter of the two because that’s the kind of sex magick that I have the most experience working with.
For those of you reading this and thinking that all your problems will be cleared up by having a crap ton of sex, I’m sorry to inform you that that’s not how this works, at least in my experience.
Just like with any form of spellcraft, sex magick is part of a practice. Masturbating here and there with a passing thought of spellwork isn’t going to get you crap, besides for the benefits of masturbation, which aren’t too shabby looking on their own.
Sex magick can be worked with a partner, but I refrain for the simple fact that a partner’s energy may get in the way. Both parties have to be very clear on what the outcome is to be, and both parties’ energies would have to align in a way that I think is more difficult, especially during sex.
So, that leaves us with masturbation, and I like to break up a sex magick working into three phases: Before, During and After.
Before you work your sex magick it’s important to set it up like you would with any other spell. Make sure the timing is right – are the planets in a certain alignment; is the moon phase right for what you want to do; will you have enough time to perform the spell without rushing? All of these are things you want to take into account. The most important step though, is to figure out what your end goal is. What is that thing that you need and why did you think sex magick was the right vessel?
I always make sure I have enough time to take a shower beforehand, use the nice smelling soap, the fancy loofah, the shower oils, the nice lotion after the shower. You might want to take a ritual bath before hand, or pick out special clothes or lingerie specifically for sex magick. I think it’s important to pamper yourself because your body will literally be your temple for this working.
Also, take into account if you want to have music playing or candles you want to light? I do both and I have specific music just for sex magick and specific candles I light.
Make sure you take your time. During one spell working session I received a message from the Goddess Anu: “Learn to be infinitely gentle with yourself.”
This isn’t about just getting off. Like I said before, this is still spellwork. However, this is spellwork that involves body and soul in a more intimate way. Learning to be gentle with yourself isn’t just about the sex, but rather the state of mind while performing the sex magick. While focusing on your end goal, other things might pop in your train of thought.
Instead of getting frustrated, just let the other thoughts go and try to refocus on what you’re doing. Focus on what you need and want instead of what you think should happen. Even the best-laid plans sometimes go awry; try to be flexible while working sex magick, especially if with a partner. Most of all, relax and be gentle with yourself, unless you like your sex rough, then have at it. (Please be safe.)
While you’re masturbating/having sex, make sure that you keep your end goal in mind. Focus on what you want to happen. Really utilize your visualization skills and hold that thought as the energy builds up. When climax finally happens, try to hold onto that thought as clearly as you can (which can be difficult, especially with a partner and why sex magick is still something that needs to be practiced.) I find it effective to shout what I want in your head (you might want to summarize the end goal to one or two words to keep it simple as well, I mean, really you’re going to be orgasming and no one wants to mentally shout a long ass sentence.)
It’s commonly thought that your heart stops for a minuscule amount of time during orgasm (sometimes called la petit mort, or “the little death”) and while I haven’t found scientific facts to back that up, it’s an interesting thing I’ve heard. One of my mentors who practices sex magick holds onto that thought and believes that during orgasm, during the little death, if we hold onto our end goals we can bring them over to the afterlife for that quick moment that we “die”, to allow the spirits and energies there in the wide void of the universe to help us get what we need for the spell.
After you orgasm, just relax. This is where learning to be gentle with yourself also is necessary. Climaxing and then jumping up and getting right into a shower and then back to your daily routine is a surefire way to undo some of the work you’ve just done.
Take a moment to return breathing to normal, to thank your body for the work it’s just done, to mentally close up any connections that had opened during sex and to ground again. Reconnect with your partner if you’re with one. Take your time to get up and get ready again. I usually get up slowly, extinguish any candles, shut off the music and get my outfit ready for my after-shower.
If you have nowhere to be, then you can always sit in front of your altar space, or even lie in bed/wherever you are and use that languid feeling from orgasm to meditate. I’ve done that a time or two and the results were very clarifying.
On the other hand, if the sex magick you were working was more fierce then you might want to use the free feeling that orgasm brings to do some more spellwork. I remember a ritual I performed right after a confidence sex magick working and the ritual was powerful, and grounded while being open to the universe and helped me connect with the sacred Wild Woman.
See what works for you! I’d love comments from other sex magick workers and I’d love to see how everyone else feels about the little death idea. It’s quite intriguing to me!