Today I had a therapy appointment. It was hard. It wasn’t hard because we talked about something difficult, it was because my therapist asked me to be in the here and now. She asked me to take a deep breath, to return to the present moment, and to connect with what I was feeling, to name it, and then to try to let it go.
Say what? Let it go? As in, get over my anger? As in, just…feeling and SAYING that I was feeling???
I think I’m getting hives just typing it.
You see, yes I am Pagan, and yes I believe that everyone else could use a little love and light, but me? It’s harder to practice what I preach because I was raised with the thought forms that you don’t talk about emotions. Sad? Suck it up. Mad? Yell and break shit. Feeling emotionally and mentally abused? Fuck you, abuse doesn’t exist, suck it up.
I have an anxiety disorder that went untreated for 4 YEARS because everyone around me just said “you’re fine, nothing’s wrong, it’s all in your head.” So, I was in my own little world of panic, where I couldn’t eat, or sleep, or do much of anything because I was gripped with this intense, crushing FEAR all the time.
I’m convinced my mind had just had enough emotional suppression and this was the only way I could get it out, and continue to get it out. I’m still not comfortable with expressing my emotions, even though I’ve been in therapy for 2 years, and have been in an incredibly loving relationship for 7.
The only emotion I allow myself to feel is anger. Anger, in my family, for whatever reason, is justifiable. If you’re angry then you’re the strong and powerful one, yelling and breaking, and hitting and hurting.
It’s something I still struggle with daily. My fiancee is the only one I can cryi in front of, and on very rare occasions will I cry in front of my very best friends.
So, today I tried to be gentle with myself. At first it was hard to even think the statement without rolling my eyes. “Be gentle. Be gentle with yourself.”
I hold myself to an incredibly high standard, and if I fail then I fall into a giant pit of anxiety and depression. It’s a painful and horrible cycle that I hope I can break out of.
So, today, I’m urging you to take a look at yourself. Do you often roll your eyes at all the “luv n’ lite” that is spread in the Pagan community. Do you cringe at the thought of feeling emotions that may make you look vulnerable? Did you grow up in a toxic house too? Are these habits and patterns following you?
For the rest of 2016, I’m going to challenge myself to be more gentle, both with myself and others. I’m going to try my hardest not to get angry, but to just allow the emotions to come into my mind, and then to let them pass. (This is slightly painful for me to type.) It’s hard to rewire my brain but I’ll give it a shot. Anything to stop all the hurt that’s going on.
<3 Be well.
P.S. If you need a little more help with your path then be sure to check out my January Transformation Box over on my Etsy shop, or feel free to buy any one of my tarot readings for more clarity and insight!